


枯詩 Kare Uta

by tokyorockstarxx



Category: the GazettE (Band)
Genre: Angst, Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Angst with a Happy Ending, Cigarettes, Comfort/Angst, Emotional, Emotional Baggage, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Light Angst, M/M, One Shot, One-Sided Attraction, Rain, Reituki, Romance, Romantic Angst, Romantic Gestures, Songfic, Unresolved, Unresolved Emotional Tension, gazemen, kareuta, reita's arms, ruki is emo, soft reita, the GazettE - Freeform, we rock
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-03-27
Updated: 2020-03-27
Packaged: 2021-03-01 00:55:40
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,119
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23342833
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/tokyorockstarxx/pseuds/tokyorockstarxx
Summary: Ruki stood, staring out at the crowd. Thousands of faces stared back at him, but he couldn’t make out their expressions. He couldn’t see anyone, feel anything.Except him. He felt a pair of eyes piercing his back, even though he couldn’t see his face. Shakily, he lifted the mic to his face.“This song is for you,” he said softly. And then the song began.
Relationships: Reita/Ruki (the GazettE), ruki - Relationship
Kudos: 15





	枯詩 Kare Uta

Ruki stood, staring out at the crowd. Thousands of faces stared back at him, but he couldn’t make out their expressions. He couldn’t see anyone, feel anything.

Except him. He felt a pair of eyes piercing his back, even though he couldn’t see his face. Shakily, he lifted the mic to his face.

“This song is for you,” he said softly. And then the song began.

>   
>  空虚だった心の詩 意味など探せず  
>  I'm searching for meaning in my heart's empty poem  
>  振り返れば 其処には何も残ってなかった  
>  When I turned around, there was nothing left there  
>  時が経てば色褪せてく 花のような詩  
>  Time passes and the poem begins to fade like a flower  
>  響くはずも無い枯れた詩  
>  Poetry should continue to echo, not wither away  
> 

As Ruki sang, recollections of the days he spent penning the lyrics to this song filtered back to him, the bright spotlights of the stage making his vision blurry, almost dreamy.

How he had sat in his room with his guitar by his side, feeling the tears well up in his eyes as he wrote furiously, almost slashing at the white paper ruthlessly with the sharpness of the pen. All he could do was write, and then sing what he wrote. He couldn’t do more than that.

And so he poured all his feelings, all his thoughts, into those lyrics. Those lyrics that had layers and layers of meaning, that came from speckled thoughts and fragments of dreams. Thoughts of platinum blonde hair and endearing whispers, of fingers intertwined and silver rings clashing; along with dreams of strong, lean arms and a gentle melody reverberating from coarse fingers plucking at bass strings.

>   
>  過去を求めて 離れて行く  
>  I long for the past, But it seems so far away  
>  理解ってたはずなのに 何故 痛む  
>  I should have understood, so why does it still hurt?  
>  耳に残るその音色はどれだけ胸に響いてくれてますか？  
>  How long will the haunting melody that lingers in my ear continue to echo in my heart?  
> 

They had known each other for so long. He tried to remember the initial excitement he felt when the band formed, the happiness of having him as their bassist, and the peace he always felt when he was by his side. Ruki never said anything, never expressed anything, but he always felt it. His presence, his eyes dawning into his, his laughter and sweet words… Everything he did would pierce through Ruki, endlessly, into the eternal recesses of his heart, which would only want more and more of him.

Yet the day he wanted to reach out to him, it had all turned to the biggest hurt he had ever felt. Ruki never intended to tell him; he was used living in darkness and surrounding himself in haunting thoughts. Yet he was different; he made Ruki want to try. Ruki felt a light emitting from him, he felt a warmth that drew him closer, and he was drawn like a moth to the light. For the longest time he had been thinking of how to get a subtle message across.

“Akira,” he had begun quietly, all of a sudden. The two of them stood outside the tiny building where the band had the studio rehearsals, side by side, leaning against the wall under the tiny awning, watching the rainy scene in front of them. Everything was misty and grey; the near-empty parking lot and trees reduced to muted patches.

A few droplets of rain hit his face as the wind grew stronger, and he took a deep breath.

“I think you play beautifully.”

There was a momentary silence.

“Huh?” The other man blinked, looking distracted, then cracked a wry grin. “Um, okay, whatever. Haha, let’s go back in.” He dropped his cigarette, stamped it out with his feet, and headed into the building.

Ruki was left standing there, staring straight, his eyes glazed.

>   
>  何も変わらないのに あの頃よりも  
>  Nothing has changed since that time  
>  前を向けてるのに おかしいね  
>  Before, I looked to you It's funny, isn't it  
>  だんだん遠くなって 手が届かなくて  
>  Gradually, the distance [between us] increased Until you were out of my reach  
>  寂しいのは同じはずなのに  
>  Either way, loneliness is to be expected  
> 

He knew it was his own fault, for anticipating anything, for even expecting a positive reaction. All he had said sounded like something random and stupid, but it had taken him years to even get it out.

The chords of the bass always echoed behind him, whether it was during a live or a practice session. It always comforted him, hearing those low sounds resonating in the background, forming the foundation of a song, strong and silent. And Ruki would sing, sing his heart out, letting his voice flow and blend with the melody, everything coming together as one.

But that was where it remained.

Echoes of low chords and a pained voice. That was what they were. Nothing more.

Ruki loved the band’s music and all the songs they wrote together, yet at the same time they were what pained him the most. They were what held him and the blonde bassist together, and also served as a constant reminder of the distance between them.

Why could they not overcome the gap? Why couldn’t there be more?

>   
>  何を求めているの？ 理解らなくなって  
>  So what am I longing for? I don't seem to know anymore  
>  気付けばもう何処かへ 飛び立った後  
>  Before I realized where you were, you'd flown away  
>  無力な自分に気付き 振り返れば  
>  I realize that on my own, I'm powerless and looking back,  
>  其処には干乾びた俺がいた  
>  I see my shriveled self  
> 

He had once hoped, longed for something, searched for a possibility. Yet gradually, as the years passed, it was reduced to this. He had grown tired, timid. So he let himself succumb to his powerless self, and just sing. It was all that was left to do. Only the writing of lyrics allowed him some liberty, some way to express his feelings, and yet it would never be easily understood by anyone, and certainly not him in the least. Ruki was fairly certain. Why would he? Would he even try to understand it?

>   
>  どうしようもなく悲しい時に  
>  It can't be helped, sometimes you will be sad  
>  零れる涙のような 偽る事の無い詩を  
>  Tears will fall Even poetry cannot hide that fact  
>  言葉にならない程嬉しい時に  
>  And sometimes you can't help but to feel happier when you hear those words  
>  笑顔のような 詩が歌えたら…  
>  And with a smile you'll sing that poem, then...  
> 

Ruki’s voice cracked here, and he couldn’t stop the tears that spilled from his eyes. He didn’t care that fans were screaming his name, didn’t hear all the gasps and shrieks, didn’t hear the other crying voices in the crowd, didn’t notice the other members discreetly turning to glance at him.

All he saw were dancing spots of light in his eyes that blurred his vision, along with the hot tears that ran down his face. He kept singing, humming, along with the melody, his voice trembling, his heart faltering like the lyrics.

>   
>  震えはまだ 酷く 続く  
>  I was trembling violently and it went on and on  
>  息を切らし 立ち止まれば  
>  Until I ran out of breath and it finally ceased  
>  何も無かったあの時と同じ  
>  Nothing is the same as that time  
>  冷たい毎日に帰りたくない  
>  I won't go back to being coldhearted every day  
> 

Reita stared at Ruki’s back.

It was all he had ever done during a live. His position, slightly behind Ruki, let him watch the other man from behind. He had always been glad for that, because then Ruki wouldn’t be able to see his face, his eyes, his expressions that he was so afraid would easily just give everything away.

He knew he had been cold towards him, trying to mask everything, but he couldn’t risk it. Risk his love for Ruki breaking up everything they had started and built for so long. He couldn’t do it, not to Ruki, because he knew the GazettE was everything Ruki had wanted.

That time, when Ruki suddenly told him he wanted to talk to him, after a band rehearsal, he hadn’t thought about what it was. A few cigarettes were smoked in silence before Ruki suddenly let slip that sentence, which shook Reita hard, made his heart melt and almost breaking his resolve.

He didn’t know if Ruki knew, but that had meant more to him than anyone else had ever said to him in his life. He couldn’t expect more from him, he didn’t expect to hear anything like that, and although he had always dreamed of how there was a further implied meaning in Ruki’s words, a hint of that something more he’d always wanted… Reita was more than grateful. It moved him and he had wanted to say something back, give Ruki back so much more.

>   
>  幼き頃から 夢見てた夢の中  
>  From the time we were children, we dreamed those dreams inside us  
>  一歩ずつ また一歩ずつ  
>  One step at a time Still one step at a time  
>  支え合って 笑い合って  
>  We'll support each other Smiling together  
>  泣いて 傷付いて  
>  Crying, hurting  
>  同じ色の夢を共に歩いて行こう  
>  Together we'll walk towards that same colorful dream  
> 

Yet he had pretended to block it out, to push it all away. He knew Ruki must have been upset with his reaction, but Ruki wouldn’t know then that he was the one hurting more. He wouldn’t know that every little thing he had ever said to Reita would never be forgotten, would always been overanalyzed, would always have a place in his heart. But he couldn’t destroy that dream they had had since they were young, everything they had worked so hard for.

He wanted Ruki to know, that he’ll always be there for him, supporting him through tears and laughter, heading towards the same goal together. That was all he could do for the vocalist.

>   
>  どうしようもなく辛い時に見せた  
>  It can't be helped, sometimes you'll see heartbreak  
>  弱さを支えてくれた 信じる人へ  
>  We'll support [each other through] our weakness And believe in mankind  
>  不器用な言葉でしか云えないけど  
>  I only have clumsy words to say it, but  
>  枯れた声が途切れるまで 此処に居たい  
>  I want to stay here until my fading voice gives out  
> 

Yet as Ruki sang those lines, Reita felt his heart break. It was too hard. Hearing Ruki’s voice, Reita shivered, like he would sometimes, unconsciously, when Ruki’s voice echoed around him.

Sometimes he felt as if the vocalist’s voice was akin to that of a magical being; it conveyed more than just a tune, and Reita would often let his imagination run with wherever the voice took him, whether it was to dark seas illuminated by the moon, or of a thousand red lanterns caught on fire… it was always something different that Ruki’s voice could do to him, even taking over his dreams and taking him to places he never imagined possible.

Reita kept strumming the bass, but he closed his eyes, letting that voice wash around him, and unconsciously he felt tears forming in his eyes. He knew Ruki was tearing too, from the way his voice cracked, and it almost… almost felt as if he were singing the song to him, all the layers of meanings underneath those words reaching out to rip at his heart.

>   
>  [どうしようもなく悲しい時に  
>  [It can't be helped, sometimes you will be sad  
>  零れる涙のような 偽る事の無い詩を  
>  Tears will fall Even poetry cannot hide that fact  
>  言葉にならない程嬉しい時に  
>  And sometimes you can't help but to feel happier when you hear those words  
>  笑顔のような 詩が歌えたら…]  
>  And with a smile you'll sing that poem, then...]  
> 

Can you hear me, Akira? The thought echoed in his head as Ruki sang with all his heart, pouring all his feelings into the song. He wanted to just collapse and break down now. It was too much for him to bear, these thoughts of him eating him, taking over his thrashing heart. He felt cold under all the spotlights, the sweat on the forehead feeling like the rain that hit him that afternoon 3 years ago.

>   
>  [枯れた声が途切れるまで 此処に居たい]  
>  [I want to stay here until my fading voice gives out]  
>  [枯れた声が途切れるまで]  
>  [Until my fading voice gives out]  
> 

Ruki held his voice as long as he could, until it gave out. The lights dimmed and Ruki crumbled onto his knees, curling himself up and placing his forehead on the floor as the stage was enveloped in complete darkness while applause echoed throughout the stadium.

He heard sounds of shuffling feet and knew the other members were heading backstage to change and get ready for the final encore, but he didn’t care right then. He knew nobody could see him, and the other members were used to him staying on stage for a little while longer sometimes.

He buried his face in his hands, and began sobbing quietly.

It had taken him all his energy, all the strength of his voice, to sing that song.

The song which he had written for him, filled with thoughts of him. The song that was a constant reminder of the pain he never knew he could felt. He never thought he could ever love, and he never believed in it, until the bassist came into his life. And even though he knew it was a love that was never possible, the hurt that came along with the forbidden just wrecked him even more, tore him apart.

Reita stood, a few feet away, as the lights went off completely and the stage was left in darkness. He didn’t leave immediately yet, because he had seen how the vocalist had collapsed onto his knees. It wasn’t the first time he had seen that of course; the vocalist would get rather emotional on stage sometimes.

But this time, it seemed different…

There was something different about the way he sang 枯詩 tonight, and even though Reita knew he must’ve been crazy and imagining things as usual, he could’ve sworn the vocalist was screaming out for him through the soothing melody.

It was so dark he could hardly see, save for the dim blue lights emitting from the side wings, but he could feel Ruki’s presence and amidst the voices in the crowd, he heard quiet sobs.

“Ruki?”

He couldn’t help himself. He knew he should just have left, along with the other members, and let Ruki collect himself like they usually did, but he couldn’t help it tonight.

He got down on his knees as well and wrapped an arm around the sobbing bundle, who instantly froze and turned to look at him.

“R-reita?” Ruki’s tear-filled eyes stared at him, a mixture of hurt and shock. It was strange to call him by his stage name, even after all these years of using it. He just liked calling him Akira more.

“Wha-what are you doing here?” he continued, his whispered voice sounding strangled. He hastily wiped his tears away with the back of his hand, resisting the urge to collapse into the arm Reita had around him. The touch was something he had always dreamed about, yet he would always shrink back timidly whenever Reita touched him; it felt as if he were being offered something too good to be true, something he knew would never last.

“You-we should go backstage...”

“Shh,” Reita said, suddenly pulling Ruki closer and holding him in his arms.

“Rei! What are you doing?” Ruki’s voice shook. He was filled with such a huge torrent of emotions, and the bassist’s actions only served to drive him crazy, making him want to push the other man away, yet at the same time he never wanted to let go.

Reita was silent, stroking the other man’s back comfortingly. At that moment, he didn’t care about anything but the person in his arms. It was okay, he knew nobody could see them, because it was so dark and they were huddled behind the mini stage and all the speakers, and the lights would still be dark for at least another ten minutes before the final encore.

“Taka…” Reita said softly. “Thank you.”

Ruki looked up at him. Their faces were so close, Ruki could feel his sweet breath fanning his cheek. He felt both thrilled and terrified, unable to comprehend the current situation.

“For what, Akira?” he asked in a weak voice, feeling as though his heart might give out. He was so tired, tired of everything, tired of being close to him but never close enough.

“For the song.”

Silence.

And then he knew it would be okay.

**Author's Note:**

> I'm bringing this back because it was my very first reituki fic that got lost in my lj archives and I just really missed it. Kare Uta is my absolute favourite gazette song and I’d been wanting to write a songfic based on it for the longest time. I hope you liked it even though it was a little short.


End file.
